April 12, 2002
A Year
April 6, 2001. I was at an all-hands meeting at Epinions, where we discussed the company's finances. The company was in a tight spot and needed to cut costs, we were told. We had done all the little things, but were still coming up short. How were we going to save even more money? No one in management had an answer they could share at the time.
That night, I flew home for Passover. When my folks picked me up at the airport, I started bitching about work almost immediately. I was extremely unhappy in general, and had had a rough week in particular.
The next afternoon, Dad and I were standing in the kitchen talking about my situation.
"Do you think there are going to be more layoffs?" he asked.
"If you had asked me that in January, right after the first round, I'd have said no way. The company had taken a deep hit, but management was doing what was right to get us back on track. Now, I say yes." And I told him about the previous day's meeting.
"When do you think it will happen?"
"Soon."
"Will you make the cut?"
"No way. I'm at the top of the list."
It was true. If I were management and had to make cuts, I'd have cut me too. At that point, I was not a particularly good employee, and I doubt I was actually earning what they were paying me.
The following Monday, I was back in the office, and had my weekly one-on-one meeting with my manager.
"Ron, give it to me straight. Are there going to be more layoffs?"
"I don't know. I haven't heard anything. But I have my resume ready. In this economy, you'd be dumb not to."
April 11, 2001. I came in late, as was my custom by this point. Around 10:30. It was raining. As I walked in from my car, I ran into Bill in the parking lot, loading some stuff into his little Alfa Romeo.
"You always keep the top down when it's raining?" I asked with a smirk.
"Only when I get laid off."
I had stayed late the night before to finish a project. It was a newsletter going out to about 15,000 people. There were three versions and it had taken about a month to get final approval on all the copy. I got everything ready that night so that all I had to do was check with Ron and click "send".
But, when I got to my desk, it was incredibly clear what was going on. Ron was on the phone, so I sent him a message over AIM, asking if it was a go. He said to wait til he got of the phone, about 20 minutes. He disappeared after the phone call.
I sent Greg an AIM, saying it was an interesting day. Oblivious, he asked what I meant. I told him layoffs. I explained running into Bill in the parking lot and told him to look around. After the shocked reply, he got a tap on the shoulder from HR. I knew I was on the list. People were walking by my desk, trying to avoid eye contact. I very nearly put up a sign that said "I'm unemployed, not dead." I'd been on the other side a few short months before, and knew how they felt, but it was still very uncomfortable. To make it worse, I couldn't do any work whatsoever. No one would tell me anything and I had nothing to do but wait.
I ended up being the very last person called for the meeting, over an hour after I first arrived in the office. Supposedly, many people had asked to be in on the meeting because I meant so much to them and to the company, but there were so many meetings going on, Nirav and Aric were there for me. They were very nice and explained what I already knew. Then they handed me a severance check dated a few days before the meeting where they said they didn't know how to cut costs. They knew. But so did I. When I came out of that meeting, Ron wanted to talk to me, to add his own sentiments. When I came out of that, Ron's boss Sarah pulled me into another conference room.
All of these people were saying very, very nice things and being supportive. Unfortunately, it only takes a few minutes and one repetition before you stop hearing what they say. Finally, after over an hour of apologies, I went back to my desk and called Dad at work.
"I'm unemployed."
"Did you do it or did they?"
"They did." I didn't have the nerve.
"What are you going to do?"
"Go drink my lunch and not think about it for a while."
"OK. If you need anything, you know we're here."
"Thanks Dad."
And that was that. I didn't really drink. Most everyone else did. But I wasn't ready yet. Thankfully, Epinions was incredibly humane about the layoffs, and gave us a few days to clear out. The next day, when I was cleaning out my desk, I read some things on Epinions message boards that literally brought me to tears. Complete strangers were pouring out their hearts for all of us who got laid off, but especially for me, because I had been their contact and advocate at the company. It was very touching, despite the fact that some of them were far more angry than I was. In fact, I realized, I was kind of happy. I had slept well for the first time in ages and woke up thrilled that I didn't have to go back to a job I hated. I was concerned, but not terribly disappointed.
That night, I let it all out at a bar with Eric. I don't remember it all at this point, but I know it included red wine before the bar, vodka tonics, gin and tonics, tequila shots, singapore slings, and a variety and quantity of other things such that when the bartender asked us at midnight if we wanted another round, I replied very loudly, "I'm done man!" and slapped my hand on the bar. When we went to the same bar one week later, the bartender poured me a glass of water before I even sat down.
The night after the binge, sitting in a diner around 3am with Greg, Ryan, and Todd, it finally hit me that I was unemployed, and it really shook me up.
April 11, 2002. Obivously, I've had some time to think it over. From the outset, I never doubted their decision to lay me off. I had a terrible attitude and was not very productive in the last few months I was there. Sure, there were contributing factors, like having a new inexperienced manager and a very rocky, disorganized transition from the pre-first-layoff world. But I didn't handle it well at all. Unfortunately, I let my true colors shine through, and they were nothing to be proud of.
For any former or current Epinions campers reading this, I want to be clear. I got what was coming to me and I don't think the people at the top were unfair in laying me off. My bitterness is not about being laid off. Rather it is about the slow changes that turned a job I loved into a job that I hated. And about my own naivte. Had I not bought in so fervently, I would not have felt so incredibly disillusioned towards the end. I had gone from an incredible high to a terrible low. Kool-Aid makes very bad tasting bile on the way back out.
About a month ago, I got to thinking about the whole thing and I came to a few realizations.
First of all, I am terribly disappointed in myself and embarrassed about how I behaved the last few months I was at Epinions. I had gone from being a near-model employee -- doing any task enthusiastically, asking for more responsibility, making potentially useful suggestions and doing my damnedest to learn everything there was to know about the company -- and being proud of it all, to a complete downer -- I talked fairly openly about quitting, I was concerned about money and suspicious of others' salaries (despite the fact that I was not legitimately earning my own), I was slow to do any job and I certainly didn't do the best at anything I did complete. This is not my normal approach and not something I can look back at with pride.
Second, and only sort of reassuring, is that I don't think my performance during those months made a damn bit of difference. I would have been cut regardless. Based on the work I was given to do, it didn't matter. If I had done everything to the best of my ability and with a good attitude, I'd have been laid off. I don't say this to make myself feel better about the first realization. I really believe it. I look at who else was let go and I'm pretty sure. They gutted Marketing, including lots of people doing their jobs reasonably well (and one they had to hire back). The responsibilities I had were not very important anymore. I had built my position in the company based on excellent customer service, personalized attention for valuable users, fostering a sense of community, and being an avocate for users. None of those things mattered enough anymore to pay my salary to have me do them, even to do them well. From right after the first layoffs, my position was a dead-end road. Small comfort. (Note: Anyone who is/was there can feel free to disagree. I'm open to other points of view, but this is my current perspective.)
Upshot. I warned you a few days ago that this ramble was coming. The date stuck out in my mind. And then I forgot entirely, until Matt[1] reminded me while we were out having a beer tonight. The last year has been good to me. I've got a job, of sorts. I'm into law school (still undecided, but expect news within a week). I've reconnected with lots of old friends, while staying in touch with many of the people I met during my dot-com adventure. Parts of my personality that were somewhat stifled when I was out west and away from my closest friends, I've been able to let flourish. I'm happy and healthy, and ready to give it a go again.
Posted by buddha at April 12, 2002 12:34 AM
Comments
I can distinctly recall sitting in an internet cafe in Ikebukuro (Tokyo) frantically trying to figure out what the hell was going on back in SF.
Posted by: k at April 12, 2002 09:34 PM
While it's good to recognize the times you failed to do your best, and to learn from them, I wouldn't beat yourself up too hard. It's incredibly difficult to keep your chin up when you're surrounded by other people who are all too willing to go bitch about the same things with you over lunch and via AIM, day in, day out. The bitterness kept itself well fed.
But things tend toward equilibrium, and it seems we're all better for the changes of the past year. Cheers...
Posted by: Xy at April 13, 2002 03:32 PM
I second the note of "take it easier on yourself."
There was so much going on that didn't make sense, so many ill-laid plans, so much misguided judgement. Productivity is not entirely up to the employee, nor is morale. You've got to be in a position that makes sense, in a company that makes sense and knows where it's going. When those conditions are met, you can come in and do good work.
I would never have said this in prior years, but I think an employee can only be as good as the management. Good managers do exist. It's amazing what you can become when you work with one.
Posted by: Andy at April 14, 2002 03:41 PM
It's good to hear that other people saw the situation for what it was, and I appreciate the kind words. I think that in what I initially wrote, I was trying too hard to make sure that I accepted some of the blame (which I do) and it came out sounding harder on me than I meant it to. In reality, I guess I just mean that even if the company was messed up, I wasn't perfect either. Live and learn.
Posted by: dan at April 15, 2002 11:20 AM